tolerating

its been more than 2 weekz... im suffering frm spotting..brown bloodflow/diluted bloodflow. which seems to be never ending.... 
i badly want to see a gynae to put my kind to rest... but i cant... and i will live in fear till my next appointment in Jan 2014...   
i cant see a gynae, cos we had little money to last till end month...  :(

so now im just being hopeful that it will stop in 2-3 days more...
sumtimes there is a lil numbing pain on my tummy... but i couldnt differentiate if it is real pain or im just imagining the pain (after googling up too much).
and im hoping its just hormonal imbalance or sumthing...cos ive been having all sprts of supplements for ttc.

theres also a big guilt im carrying everyday, cos im not able to bed dance with my husband; who is afterall... a man.

if only we had savings in our hand... or perhaps insurance, i wont be in this state.

*crying out loud in my heart*

why is it that when i am able to calm myself... i get all this pregnancy news again. im so sad..  

Mad and angry

Im so angry tonite.

Its 10 plus alreadi, he is still outside waiting for a freaking cab frm his bbq party at east coast. Oh my gawd..

I dun mind him going out.,but ingat2 sikit lah.. awak tu ketua keluarga.... so what, u wud rather let ur wife n child waiting for you ... than missing the fun at the bbq party..?

And one thing that flared me up in flames was that he didnt answer my calls the first time i called him ..
Having fun ke pe?u forgot u have a family isit?u wanna be a bachelor or single again???

And what made me sad ia bcos i tot wanna bed dance with him tonite...but he spoilt my mood..my emotions alreadi.

Arghhh,,fed up.

Its good to cry.,,and when i did last night,,i didnt onli weep..but literalli cried my hearts out. And suprisingly, i felt calmer.

Suicidal

I feel suicidal tonite.., nauzubilllah. What is wrong with me. Life is getting better for me rite?
Now my big sis is pregnant again. Fuck. Dis news makes me stress. Why isit not me?shes 40 alreadi, stop breeding sia..stop fucking la cb. Give me a chance. Fuck la. I dun giv a damn abt her n the rest of the preggy people ard me.

Back to MY LIFE. its hard to baby making. Supposed tonite i wanna bed dance.. but i guess he is tired.
The thing is, how do i get frequent sex when he is tired frm work. I can be selfish and juz be firm on sex, but i feel a lil guilt in me. Cos he's tired frm work.
And he dont initiate sex unless he realli wants it.. which is like ONCE a week if im lucki, or ONCE in 2 weeks..

If i voice it out, i am seen as the one pointing fingers to him. Like he is the root of the problem (but seems like it).

It hurts me so much that i only get all those carressing and tender love touch WHEN HE WANTS IT.  If he's not having the urge, he'll juz tossed me aside. Like i am a sleeping partner only.
How abt me? How abt my timing??? How abt my wants????

I want to die sumtimes. Isnt it better this way. :'(   :'(   :'(

Dowm

Im feeling veryy down...why is all people ard me getting pregnant again...  when will it be my turn? :(
I want more child...so dat maiyya can become a sister. :((
Im trying very hard not to be sad.i shud be happy for them rite?

Hoping my time will be soon.

So actualli i m 3 days late for my period. Well, nothing unusual for a pcos lady...irregular period. -.-
But, still have to test.. to clear doubt since i am married n i got a husband and sexualli active. Hehe.
But im a lil bit lazi to test actualli...  cos i dun feel anything.

I am actualli waiting for my period cos im starting clomid soon. 
The best of luck to me.