Suicidal

I feel suicidal tonite.., nauzubilllah. What is wrong with me. Life is getting better for me rite?
Now my big sis is pregnant again. Fuck. Dis news makes me stress. Why isit not me?shes 40 alreadi, stop breeding sia..stop fucking la cb. Give me a chance. Fuck la. I dun giv a damn abt her n the rest of the preggy people ard me.

Back to MY LIFE. its hard to baby making. Supposed tonite i wanna bed dance.. but i guess he is tired.
The thing is, how do i get frequent sex when he is tired frm work. I can be selfish and juz be firm on sex, but i feel a lil guilt in me. Cos he's tired frm work.
And he dont initiate sex unless he realli wants it.. which is like ONCE a week if im lucki, or ONCE in 2 weeks..

If i voice it out, i am seen as the one pointing fingers to him. Like he is the root of the problem (but seems like it).

It hurts me so much that i only get all those carressing and tender love touch WHEN HE WANTS IT.  If he's not having the urge, he'll juz tossed me aside. Like i am a sleeping partner only.
How abt me? How abt my timing??? How abt my wants????

I want to die sumtimes. Isnt it better this way. :'(   :'(   :'(